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Another set of twins on the way – yoohooo!

01/02/2010

No not me silly! Although honestly I would be over the moon. No a very good friend of mine called me this morning to say that her viability scan went well and as I was gushing and congratulating she said, there’s more news…

Oh My God it’s twins!! I shrieked much to the annoyance of Alice and Bessie who were trying to watch Timmy Time whilst I was preparing their lunch. And in that very same second I was overcome with fear, happiness and incredulance all at once.

‘Please tell me it’s two sacs and two placentas?’ I demanded.

Thank heavens I was reassured on this count and the reasoning behind my question is this very same friend of mine lost twin boys a couple of years ago  at 16 weeks into her pregnancy from Twin To Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) a tragic situation where one twin takes too much of the blood from the single cord feeding them both depriving the sibling of nourishment and causing its death, not only that dying itself most frequently from a heart attack of too much blood. I had to wipe this possibility out of my mind before our conversation went any further.

You see I too, in my quest to give Paul a child, suffered three miscariages, a little girl at 21 weeks and two blighted ovums discovered at 8 weeks through viability scans. It’s crushing, devastating news. Which other than requiring plenty of time for healing and moving on has left me with a dread in my heart when someone tells me they’re pregnant. This feeling I cannot remove.

I wait for the first 12 weeks of any pregnancy with abaited breath, just willing the time to pass and get past that first important hurdle of first trimester.

Don’t get me wrong, I adore pregnancy and the joy of waiting for a new life to be born but I now live with this fear of the unknown.

It was the same with my own daughter Megan who gave birth to Gracey last
August. ‘Luckily’ she lives in Italy and was oblivious to my worries. I say luckily as I miss her dearly and hate her being so far away from me. But for the 8 months that I knew I worried for her, asking about her diet, her sleeping, her exercise,

‘…and eat more fish’ I would command her before she put the phone down. You can see her raising her eyebrows ‘Yes mum’ at the other end, can’t you?

I said exactly the same thing to my friend this morning (Why?) Something inside me has told myself that fish is the answer but sadly it’s not. If there is to be a miscarriage it will go ahead fish or no fish. But fish is apparently perfect for early brain development before you go and give up on me.

Thank God my friend understands me and won’t bring me up on this one.

It is the same with another friend’s daughter who is due in May and when I was told she was suffering bleeding and had been into hospital on a  few occasions, I went into panic mode telling her to stay put and not do anything strenuous. ‘Just get signed off sick.’ I bossed her, ‘Your baby’s the most important thing right now.’

And so now it’s my friend’s turn. I am over the moon for them. Any twin mum will tell you it is the most wonderful thing in the world having twins. Hard work of course, exhausting – naturally but so so rewarding.

So now I must count the days and weeks yet again. She’s 8 weeks and I’m sure this afternoon I shall be digging out my twin books and various bits that might come in handy for her and slowly slowly I might be able to enjoy this pregnancy.

You’ll notice I haven’t mentioned any names yet as I have been told in secret – until we get to 12 weeks and she announces it herself to the world.

And thus is the ongoing effect of suffering a loss, something we must just learn to live with

photo credit – celestria, Flickr

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