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I’ll never be rid of my ex

14/05/2010

Travelling with 3 under twos

You may remember we’re off to Lake Garda in June for a good 17 days. We specifically chose that area to be close to Megan and Gracey and be able to spend more time with them and I’m really looking forward to it.

Megan decided to have Gracey’s christening whilst we are there to avoid us all having to come over once again or worse, miss out on the occasion. She phoned me a month ago and asked me on the phone if I would be ok in the same room as her dad as she wanted to avoid any conflict in front of her guests.

Understandable, and I pointed out that I was perfectly fine being in the same room as him but that it was her father who had the problem, he was the one that needed to be asked. She knew this but admitted that it was so difficult speaking to her father without him going off on one that she wanted to try first with me. I am the easier option. 🙂

I assured her I would be on my best behaviour, I reminded her that I am perfectly happy with Paul and that I had absolutely no need to speak or see her dad. I would avoid him and make sure her day was memorable for all the right reasons.

Paul wasn’t so happy at giving up a ‘beach’ day for a ‘church thing’ but would drag himself along for the love of Megan who incidentally he gets on very well with.

On her recent trip the Christening was brought up, the arrangements, the reception, could I buy Gracey her christening gown and so on. It turns out that dad has had a turn around since (That’s a surprise! – not. He’ll probably have another ten changes of mind between now and then) and when Megan said I would be there with Paul and the girls as discussed, he replied that in that case he wouldn’t be at the reception, which is being held in his hotel.

Can I say the word ‘arsehole’ here without offending anyone?

I could say a lot more but I won’t, I will contain myself as this is Enrico Struffi at his very selfish best.

I agreed with Megan that to make sure her day was special we would go to the church service and then clear off so dad wouldn’t be offended with my presence. (Idiot)

The next day after a lot of thought I approached Megan again and asked, was it worth us coming all that way at all? I mean the service with twins will be hard work, we’ll probably be outside more than inside and seeing as her dad was so adamant at not seeing me, we wouldn’t be missed. Maybe the rest of the family feel the same way too?

Of course, my response was tears. She wants us there and in the photos so when Gracey looks back she knows we made our contribution. She realises her dad is totally out of order but no one can speak to the man because if someone did he would let all hell loose on that person and turn it round so he was the victim.

Little does this man know that his emotional blackmail over the years has indelibly signed our two offspring so deeply they are and always will be traumatised and he is too bloody minded and egotistical to ever question himself.

I couldn’t give a monkeys’ if it’s me he wants to hurt. Go ahead idiot. Sticks and stones. But by constantly hurting my children he makes me seeth with anger. Something I thought was long gone.

The sad outcome of this is that I will always have this wretched man in my life as we are both important figures to our children. They love us both equally regardless of who is ‘right’ and who is ‘wrong’.

Can we say a prayer for this 47 year old man that he grows up soon and gets over himself quick so his children can lead their lives free of being scared of his reaction for once and for all?

It’s an even harder task than the one David Cameron has on his hands I’m afraid and I’m not sure we’ll ever get there but where there’s a will there’s a way.

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. 14/05/2010 1:19 pm

    Oh Mari, this is so upsetting, of cource your daughter wants you there at her daughters christening. There just seems no way through to this man.

    • 14/05/2010 2:59 pm

      There’s no winning when someone is so self centered and narrow minded, I will be there, just won’t be eating their cake but my own 🙂

  2. 14/05/2010 1:39 pm

    I am hoping what I have to say will come across in the way I mean it which is out of love.

    I think people come into our lives to teach us something.

    I personally believe that our souls , prior to birth, make contracts with the other souls we meet in our lifetime so that we each learn a lesson we need to learn. (If anyone doesn’t believe that, it is okay, you can still get something out of this comment.)

    Maybe your children have their father in their lives so that they can learn something about themselves. To stand up for themselves and what is important to them. Not to fear someone else’s reaction (because that is just wrong.) There are times you need to take someone else’s feelings into account and act accordingly, but that is different than fearing someone’s reaction.

    I think if you view this as something that has great learning potential you will feel differently as frustrating as the situation is.

    I also think that your ex is still pushing your buttons and you need to really really let go and just trust that things will work out.

    HUGS!

    • 14/05/2010 1:47 pm

      I agree with your thoughts on learning from other souls and ‘contracts’ made before we start our lives,karma. I’ve thought about that before. I put up with his tantrums and bad temper for far too long and now, by choice, I live a happy life without him. SAdly our paths will cross on many more occasions as we have two children.

      I disagree that I have feelings for him if you mean love, like or respect. I despise the way he uses our children to get at me. He is vindictive and vicious and I am happy to stay far far away from him. I let go a long long time ago, he hasn’t. He’s still out to hurt and I won’t let him. Have your party, I’ll see them on the lake.

      • 14/05/2010 1:51 pm

        I didn’t mean you have feelings. I mean the fact that he can still cause you anger like that means he is still controlling your emotions.

        I will give you an example-there are things that my parents will do that really used to get my goat and upset me. When I realized that even if what they are doing causes hurt to people I love, the problem is with my parents not me. And then I let go. Don’t know if that helps to decide.

  3. 14/05/2010 1:40 pm

    You are a lovely woman and you are so right….I admire you because at this moment in time I cannot imagine being in the same room with my childrens father and his family. I actually feel faint at the thought. I hope that by the time a situation like yours comes along I will be brave and strong.
    Yes it does sound as though he needs to grow up…..but do men like him, and my ex ever grow up? maybe that’s why they’re where they are?
    I hope the day is okay and he behaves…if he wants to miss it, it’s his loss but at what price….Arghhh, isn’t this all so complicated. XX

    • 14/05/2010 1:50 pm

      Time will make you braver and stronger, I promise. I too in the past, couldn’t bear the thought of being near him. He frightened me and he used that fear to control me.
      Now I am so over him I couldn’t care less. I just hate the fact that I will miss Gracey’s christening reception becuase of his childishness but he will have to reply to people when they ask
      ‘Why isn’t Marianne here?’ Not me.

      • 14/05/2010 1:52 pm

        I think it is wrong for you to miss it. he is the bully with the problem. A daughter need her mother so he should be the one to suck it up and not come. You should not let him have that option.

  4. 14/05/2010 2:00 pm

    He is the bully, he does make me angry in the way he uses the children and I will go to the church and after I will leave with my family as Megan has requested. I will see them on the lake with my own cake and party 🙂
    She’s frightened of upsetting her dad and wants to keep peace, I’ll go along with that for her sake.
    One day, he will hopefully have the time to sit down and see just how petty his actions were?

  5. 14/05/2010 8:39 pm

    It’s a fact you will never be rid of Enrico. Put your lipstick and high heels on Smile and GO-go along with Paul(give him a double whiskey)and your princesses.Teach them to say ‘Ciao bella’ Greet all, especially Gracey’s dad’s family, warmly, proudly introduce Paul and the girls to everyone. Have lots of photos taken for us all to see.Have a great time. Soak up the sunshine – it’s your summer holiday. Enjoy.

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